


know me

by tenderybitch (FictitiousFanatisch)



Series: ten things i hate about you [5]
Category: NCT (Band), WayV (Band)
Genre: Backstory, Canon Related, Cheating, F/M, Fluff, M/M, NCT 2018, No Smut, Ten's POV, idk - Freeform, johnten, lol, sm family drama, ten and jungwoo fight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:48:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26724667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FictitiousFanatisch/pseuds/tenderybitch
Summary: His love for Johnny was like an ocean, beautiful and deep, and renewed continuously in calming waves. But it was still a massive entity whose bounds were yet to be discovered. It was still dark and mysterious in ways, and outright dangerous in others.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Wong Kun Hang | Hendery, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, implied/referenced luwoo
Series: ten things i hate about you [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1604263
Comments: 14
Kudos: 35





	know me

_**March 2018** _

It all started two years ago. When Ten thinks back on that time, it feels like a dream. 2018 seems so far away now, almost otherworldly.

He hated the dorm situation. He honestly missed when it was just Dream he had to worry about. It was cold and messy and crowded and everyone was sensitive and stressed over what seemed to be a never ending comeback. He and Jungwoo were always bickering about _something,_ and usually something stupid, because the younger was much too anxious and sensitive for his personality.

Literally every time Ten criticized him, asked him to pick his clothes up off the floor or tried to joke with him, the boy would burst into tears or run and tell Kun, which resulted in one too many dorm interventions where Xuxi's massive eyes would flicker back and forth between the two of them confusedly before clapping his big hands onto their backs and saying,

"Come on, hyungs! Can't we all just get along?"

 _'Of course they could. But anyway, it was Jungwoo's fault as always --'_ he wanted to argue again, but Kun's gaze was hard and patronizing. Ten was older, and knew he was expected to be more mature about these sorts of things. That, and Xuxi was his favorite these days; he could never disappoint him.

Ten liked Xuxi a lot - too much almost - even as a trainee. He was sensible, but easy going. He was funny and cute and knew like 4 languages, but stumbled through all of them. Not to mention he was sweet and shy and beautiful and just Ten's type - fit, strong, kind eyes, nice smile and over 180 centimeters tall.

"I know this isn't ideal. I understand how you feel, but for now we have to make this work. Right?" Xuxi looked at Kun hyung, or as of recently, Kun-ge.

"Right. This isn't gonna last forever. We're all moving out soon anyway so seriously, let's just try to make the most of it," The oldest said, giving that hideously genuine smile to the both of them. Jungwoo was still sniffling, and Ten couldn't help but roll his eyes at the theatrics of it all.

And Xuxi, the fool, was patting his back and stroking his hair like he was a wounded puppy. Ten liked Xuxi, but he was just so naive. And that shit about _knowing how he feels_ was preposterous. He had just debuted - what could he possibly know?

Ten was an original member of NCT U. He was one of the first to debut. He waited years for that moment, and then another one as 127 wrote, recorded, performed and won awards all while he sat on the sidelines. He watched his own members, his own friends go on to bigger and better things while he was forced to wait for a chance to show his abilities.

It was a different kind of pain when your hard work never paid off. Kun was hopeful and optimistic, but Ten could tell they were being treated differently.

He huffed and stood from the living room couch. He couldn't be around the NCT U members for another moment, so he went downstairs to Johnny, because Johnny always knew what to say in situations like this.

"You know, you and Jungwoo are always fighting because you're so similar."

Well, not always.

" _What_?" Ten shot the older a glare. "No. He's _way_ too sensitive and overly dramatic. He can't take a joke, and he constantly needs attention and affirmation like a damn baby-"

"Hmm, I wonder who else we know fits that description?" Johnny hummed, still running his fingers through the younger's silver hair. Ten couldn't help the scowl that formed on his face.

"Seriously, who else needs _constant_ attention and affirmation? It sounds so familiar!" he proclaimed, his warm eyes curling into crescent moons above him.

"You are _so_ mean to me, hyung." Ten complained, starting to push himself up from his lap.

"Eyy, I'm just teasing." the older assured, smoothing his palms over Ten's shoulders, then down his biceps to get him to lean back once more.

Ten huffed, but soon conceded.

"He's gonna be in 127, you know. You'll barely ever see him." Johnny resumed playing with his hair, a gesture that always relaxed him. His boyfriend may not have known what to say, but he certainly knew how to distract him.

"Uh-huh. Just like I barely get to see you," he closed his eyes.

"You really want to see me _more_? I thought you'd be sick of me by now."

 _Never,_ Ten thought.

"I am. I need a new best friend, ASAP,” he said instead.

"You hate making new friends, though."

"I know. It takes me so long,” Ten groaned, going limp in Johnny's lap. It was true. He was friendly with everyone, of course, but there was a small group of people he was _really_ comfortable with since they all entered the company around the same time and trained together. He didn't branch out often to expand that circle.

For instance, they had all met the trainees that would be NCT members, but Ten couldn't say he was friends with any of them yet. The next three in question were young and Ten felt fairly old. The age gap kind of distanced him from having a meaningful relationship with the Dream members, so he thought it would be a similar situation where he and these trainees would have absolutely nothing in common.

Plus, they were still super shy and quiet around Ten. They had barely gone beyond the awkward mumbling of introductions or a hesitant wave in the hallway of the company building. Which was a problem, considering they would debut the following year and everyone was expected to be blood relatives by then.

"Just hang out with the new members. You're supposed to be getting close with them anyway, so that works out," he suggested, as he brushed a stray piece of hair out of Ten's face.

"Yeah, yeah. I was just thinking about that," Ten sighed, meeting the elder's tender gaze, "It gives me so much anxiety though. They all probably already have like, their own ideas about me. I'd hate to disappoint them."

"Mm. Maybe," Johnny looked at him for a long moment before smiling softly. Ten hated that it made his heart flutter. Being in love was stupid.

"Or maybe I'm just overthinking?"

"Maybe,” the older echoed, resting his warm palm on the side of Ten's face.

Johnny's thumb brushed back and forth along his jaw as he leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to his mouth, upside down. Although the angle was awkward, Ten kissed back without hesitation.

-

The next week he was scolded. Ten had originally swore to the managers he didn't need a Chinese teacher because they had plenty of members who spoke the language well, and that it would be a waste of time when he could just ask them for help. But alas, six months later he was still not proficient enough to hold a conversation.

He had been skipping lessons in his workbook with the excuse that it was too hard to self study, but the truth was he was lazy and had too much pride to ask Kun for help. Especially in the current state of the dorm relations. He had managed to get out of it for another month during the first wave of NCT 2018 promotions, but he knew he was running out of time. He was to soon debut as a member of NCT China and it would be most ideal to at least be somewhat fluent in the language by then.

So the company hatched a plan.

Ten was told to come to an empty conference room in the building at noon with his materials. He waited for half an hour before the door finally creaked open and in walked their manager with another boy in tow. He looked familiar - even with the black mask and the baseball cap and the pink hoodie pulled up over his head. He pushed it down after a moment, fingering his bangs out of his eyes. Those eyes - they were big and black, like a doll's, Ten remembered.

"This is Kunhang. I think you’ve met before? Anyway, he’s going to help you while we find you a teacher,” manager hyung said, before bowing out of the room.

"Oh. Hello," Ten stood and greeted him formally, forced to break the uncomfortable silence.

"Ah yes, hello. Nice to meet you." Kunhang bowed, the Korean words sounding big and foreign in his mouth. Ten smiled, thinking it was cute. He realized soon enough that wasn't the only cute thing about Kunhang.

He vaguely remembered seeing the boy among the other trainees, but he never had the chance to get a good look at him. In fact, once the mask and hat used to protect his identity had come off, Ten found it very difficult to look _away_. Kunhang was handsome to say in the least, but in a young and innocent way. Like he didn't know.

He had the kind of face you had to look at a few times before you could even believe it was real. He was barefaced, but beautiful, with naturally dark, angled eyebrows, a high nose, a sharp jawline, and a straight mouth that made his expression rather difficult to read. His long, black hair framed his face in messy rivulets, which he pushed back with his hand a few times before making his way across the room.

 _Wow_ , Ten thought, _SM really did it this time..._

"I'm Ten," he stupidly said, once the boy had taken a seat next to him.

"Oh, I know,” Kunhang replied shortly, like it was obvious.

“You know me?”

“Who doesn’t?”

Ten smirked.

The winter had made Kunhang pale, but Ten soon learned he had a wide, goofy smile that warmed them both from the inside out. As they worked it became obvious that Kunhang was nervous and unsure of his role, unconfident, stumbling in and out of Korean and English in an attempt to explain things, but it just made everything about him that much cuter.

His eyes were the most memorable, though. Even after their hour passed and a manager returned to escort Kunhang back to the other trainees, their impact stayed with Ten for the rest of the day. Surely they held his secrets, his struggles. They were so deep and dark, like two echoing voids of nothingness. And oh, how Ten already wanted to fall in.

-

_**August 2018** _

Ten loved no one like he loved Johnny Suh. His love for Johnny was like an ocean, beautiful and deep, and renewed continuously in calming waves. But it was still a massive entity whose bounds were yet to be discovered. It was still dark and mysterious in ways, and outright dangerous in others.

“You better keep an eye on that boyfriend of yours.”

Jungwoo had a cherry popsicle poised between his lips. He slurped on it quite obnoxiously from where he leaned against the kitchen counter. The sound, combined with the sweltering summer heat of the dorm, was sure to evoke a fresh afternoon migraine.

“I’m sorry, were you talking to me?” Ten quipped from his place on the couch where he laid on his back, filing his nails. He was hardly interested in anything that drama queen had to say, although he must have been speaking to him because they were the only two in the room.

Jungwoo huffed. “You heard me. Don’t act like you didn’t. I’m only saying this to help you out, hyung.”

“Is that so?”

“Believe it or not. Anyway, a little birdie told me Johnny hyung’s been talking to another idol in our company.”

“It’s you, isn’t it? I’ll accept your confession and spare you the bruises because it’s honestly pathetic that you even think you have a chance with him.”

Jungwoo burst into laughter, loud and full. “And it’s awfully naive of you to think I couldn’t have your man if I _really_ wanted him. But that’s besides the point...”

“Honestly, what _is_ your point?” Ten wondered.

“I guess I’ll say it again: Johnny hyung’s been talking to someone else from the company. Someone who isn’t me. Or you, for that matter.” Jungwoo smirked, his lips stained red. He loved to make Ten suffer.

“What are you talking about?”

Jungwoo rolled his eyes. “Really? He’s been at it for like, a month, hyung. Judging by your reaction, I’m guessing you didn’t even know.”

He couldn’t tell if Jungwoo was messing with him or not. He didn’t want to take his words seriously, because he couldn't have the brat thinking he had something over him, such as information. But on the other hand, wouldn’t it be foolish not to at least listen to what he had to say?

“How would _you_ know that?”

“Well see, Johnny told Jaehyunnie, who told Mark, and last weekend when we all got drunk, Mark told me. You really can’t trust straight men,” Jungwoo paused to bite off the end of the popsicle, “And you certainly shouldn't _date_ them. But hey, that’s never stopped you, right Ten hyung?”

At that moment, Ten had never wanted to wring someone's neck more than Kim Jungwoo’s. If only Kun wasn’t home...

“...For the record, he's bi.”

“Ha! Keep telling yourself that.”

“So... he’s texting someone in our company. Big deal. I’m not his babysitter. He’s a grown man, he can talk to whoever he wants.”

“Even… female idols?” Jungwoo pressed a nerve.

Ten inhaled slowly, trying to keep his cool.

“I’m impressed. You must really have a lot of faith in him.”

“And what if I do?” he pushed back.

Jungwoo slurped the remaining juice off the popsicle stick, pulled it from between his lips and flicked it in his direction. It hit his chest with a soft thud.

“Then you’re way more of a fool than I already thought you were.”

-

Ten decided he was going to pretend that ridiculous conversation never happened.

In fact, it wasn’t until SMTOWN LIVE in Osaka that he even thought about it again. He and Johnny were inseparable on stage and off but Ten’s eyes still trailed the older, through outfits and set changes. He hated himself for it. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t forget what Jungwoo had said. Especially because if Johnny really was talking to a female idol from their company, she would be likely here too.

He carefully observed Johnny’s interactions with the other members and their sunbaes. He never strayed too far from Johnny’s side, and the elder even made a joke somewhere about how clingy he was being. Ten just hummed, claiming he just missed him since they didn’t get to room together this trip. And that was that. Johnny didn’t question it and he was totally oblivious to the fact that he was being watched.

But Jungwoo certainly wasn’t. He gave Ten an overly cheerful smile from where he leaned against the wall on the other side of the dressing room, hands folded out in front of him. Xuxi stood next to him, staring down at his phone. Jungwoo held Ten’s gaze as he leaned over and whispered something against the shell of the younger’s ear. Xuxi giggled into his palm before looking over in Ten’s direction as well.

_What the fuck? Why were they laughing?_

Ten felt rage flare up inside his chest. Suddenly he didn’t care about proper decorum and making a scene. He wanted so badly to stomp over there and give Kim Jungwoo a piece of his mind.

He knew he was losing this game.

He had allowed Jungwoo to get to him; he was actually considering his boyfriend might be cheating.

Ridiculous.

Johnny stuck by him the whole night. By the end of the concert, Ten was starting to feel like a fool for ever believing him and even more so for doubting Johnny. Jungwoo wasn’t the most credible source, especially since he had it out for Ten. He had a sweet, angelic face but he was a sick, twisted devil and he probably just wanted to have a bit of fun with Ten.

And what better way to do it, than to start a silly rumor about his boyfriend talking to some female artist from the company a week before going on a trip _with_ the entire company. It wasn’t a bad plan. Honestly, Ten was impressed. He fell for it, anyway.

The other reason he refused to believe it was because he simply didn’t want to. When Ten looked up at Johnny and saw his gentle eyes and energetic smile, he was blinded by the fantasies of their trainee days. He was entranced by his hyung’s beauty, his energy. He was the North star, shining bigger and brighter than all the rest.

Looking back, Ten knows he only saw what he wanted to see.

Sure, things weren’t perfect—they were young, idols, and things were complicated— but Johnny would never _cheat_ on him, right? He might not have been happy, but he wasn’t a cheater. Above all else, he and Ten were friends. Best friends. Lovers. Soulmates. Forever. He would never do something like that.

So Ten gave up on those thoughts and made a note to let Jungwoo have it later for making such a bold accusation against his partner.

They said their goodbyes and good nights and filed off stage. Ten was sticky with sweat, his muscles aching from all the jumping and running they had done and the only thing he could think about was going back to the hotel and crashing face first into the soft mattress and sleeping for twelve hours straight.

The venue was chaotic after the concert. Unsurprisingly, somewhere in the hustle and bustle of backstage, he lost track of Johnny. The older had mentioned something about the bathroom, but when thirty whole minutes passed and he still hadn’t returned, Ten went searching for him.

_Johnny wasn’t a cheater._

After checking the bathroom, Ten wandered through waiting areas and dressing rooms. It was crowded with staff and the members, stylists, security and there were cameras everywhere.

He turned at just the right moment and saw what looked like the back of Johnny’s head disappearing behind the corner at the end of the hall. Relieved, he chased after him. On the other side sat a long, empty corridor.

The boisterous voices of the others faded to a weak echo with each step he took across the linoleum floor. A heavy metal fire exit door stood at the end of the hall and Ten approached it slowly, feeling like he ought to prepare for what was on the other side of it.

He peered through the small glass window in the center of it, squinting hard before he was even able to make out the two figures, standing in the dark stairwell.

_He would never do something like that._

But then why, Ten wondered, would they be holed away in a back stairwell together, isolated from everyone else? Why would he have his arm _around her_? Why then, would Johnny brush the hair out of her eyes, rest his hand on the dip of her waist and-- _kiss_ _her_?

No.

At first Ten denied it. What other choice did he have? There was no way he was actually seeing what he thought he was.

 _Johnny wouldn’t do that_.

But the longer he looked, the clearer the sight became.

Then he felt his entire body weaken in disbelief, his knees buckling underneath him. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, like his lungs were collapsing under his ribs. It was like he had just been punched in the gut several times, the sight before him knocking all the wind out of him.

Part of him wanted to push open that heavy metal door and break up their little tryst, to storm in there full force and rip that bitch away from his boyfriend. But the other, more rational side reminded him that despite the circumstances, Joohyun was their senior. He could never be so reckless and let his emotions drive such an interaction with her. The last thing he wanted was for the other artists in the company to know about his relationship with Johnny.

Ten didn’t even know how he wanted to respond yet, but he already knew that he couldn’t. He was powerless. It was the worst feeling.

Then, he just felt extremely devastated and uncomfortable. Devastated, because Jungwoo was right. Of all the ways to find out, it had to be Kim Jungwoo. Uncomfortable, because he felt like he was intruding on a private moment between two people who had risked it all for a few seconds of close contact. Ten couldn’t yet stomach the fact that one of them was his boyfriend, let alone process the implications of what he was seeing with his own two eyes.

God, this was traumatic. He felt like he was gonna be sick.

He just couldn't take it anymore, so he reluctantly turned from the door, forcing his eyes away from the small glass window and making his way back down the hall to regroup with the others.

He changed quickly, grabbed his belongings and followed Chenle and Sicheng out to the bus as soon as it began loading. He sat in the back, slipped his headphones in and despite the sweltering heat, pulled his hoodie up over his head. He avoided eye contact with everyone as they boarded, but he did notice that Johnny was the last to arrive. He was followed only by Taeyong, who was waiting to do the headcount.

Johnny craned his neck, no doubt to look for him. Ten looked away faster than he could make eye contact. He refused to give the man the satisfaction of his acknowledgement. He certainly didn’t deserve it. Not after what he did. Not after what the younger caught him _doing--_

 _Fuck_.

Ten could feel himself getting worked up again. He wanted to do something thoughtless, like confront him right now, yell out the truth to the entire bus so they could all bear witness to the traitorous ways of their beloved hyung. But he also wanted to stay quiet forever, to curl up in a corner and cry until he died.

 _Maybe it’s my fault_ , he found himself thinking after a while. _Maybe I don’t love him like I should_. _Or maybe he’s bored with me_.

Ten knew he was a fool for trying to make sense of it. But he needed some kind of answer. He needed a reason. _Why would Johnny_ do _that?_

_They’d been talking for at least a month, Jungwoo said. Oh God. Were they sleeping together too?_

“Hyung.”

Ten was torn out of his thoughts. Renjun sat beside him, giving him an expectant look.

“What’s wrong?” he tugged one headphone out.

“Nothing. I was just gonna ask if we could switch rooms. No offense, but Donghyuck hates you.”

“Tell that brat the feeling is mutual.” he teased in the darkness.

A gasp came from the seat in front of them. “I’m right here, hyung.”

“Great, then you’ve heard.” he kicked the back of Donghyuck’s seat, hard. The younger whined loudly. Ten smirked.

“So, I’m taking that as a ‘yes’?” Renjun waggled his eyebrows.

“Sure, whatever. I’m probably just gonna crash when we get back anyway.”

“Sweet. Let’s trade key cards.” the younger whipped his wallet out.

Mental, physical and emotional exhaustion felt like heavy chains and ankle weights as Ten walked through the hotel hallways. He couldn't remember who Renjun had roomed with and didn’t bother asking. It didn’t even matter. He was too tired and sad to care. He dragged his suitcase all the way to the room and slid the key card in the slot until it beeped twice. He pushed the door open and stepped inside and was stunned to be met with a half naked Xuxi.

The boy cursed in canto, massive eyes growing wider as he jumped back and clutched his heart.

“Relax. It’s just me,” Ten mumbled.

“Fuck, hyung. Renjun told me he was going to sleep in another room. I thought you were a sasaeng! I was about to call security.”

“Haha yeah, we switched because Donghyuck hates me. Is that okay?” he asked, earnestly.

“Yeah, of course, man! I mean, I wish he had just given me a heads up or _something,_ ” Xuxi laughed as he continued to dig through his luggage, no doubt searching for clothes. He only had a white towel wrapped around his hips and another one slung around his neck.

Ten forced his eyes away from his tanned, muscled chest.

“Um, are you finished in the bathroom?” he asked, his voice weak.

Xuxi looked up. He stared at the older for a long moment before nodding. “Yeah. You’re good.”

As Ten showered, he couldn’t help but replay the same scene over and over in his head. Every time he thought about it - about Johnny pulling that woman tight against him and kissing her on the mouth, he felt his gut wrench. He tried hard to focus on the feeling of the water droplets hitting his back so he wouldn’t get worked up again. The last thing he needed was to have a break down. Or worse, to puke.

He finished showering, toweled himself down, brushed his teeth and did his skincare routine. He wandered back into the bedroom and got dressed silently.

Xuxi had turned the main light off, but the lamp on the night table casted the entire room in an eerie, orange glow. After plugging his phone in to charge, he tore the duvet off the mattress and slid underneath.

There was a heavy silence in the room. It’s not that Ten expected a conversation after a long day and concert behind them. But a part of Ten desperately craved a distraction from the events that took place earlier. They circled through his mind at an alarming rate, giving him little space to organize his thoughts or have a rational reaction. His head was spinning. He felt so sick.

Ten didn’t know why he thought he would be able to turn everything off when he laid down. In fact, as soon as his head hit the pillow it was like all the emotions he tried so hard not to feel were coming over him at once, pinning him down, suffocating him. It was too much and suddenly stinging behind his eyes.

He was crying before he could stop it.

Ten pulled the covers up over his head and tried his hardest to control himself. If he made a sound, Xuxi would hear. But his tears fell harder with each passing moment. He was a wreck—sucking big, shuddering gulps of oxygen in through his mouth because his nose was running and it was silly to hope Xuxi wouldn’t notice. It was only a matter of time.

“Hyung?” his voice was so gentle, so deep, “Are you okay?”

And _fuck_ , now the floodgates had opened. He couldn't hold back.

“No,” he sobbed.

Xuxi rolled out of bed. He crossed the room quickly, lifted the comforter, kneeled onto the mattress and crawled underneath. His long arms encased Ten immediately, drawing his much smaller form against his.

“What’s wrong?” Xuxi seemed so worried. He stroked Ten’s back and shoulders and his hair, whatever part of him he could reach. Ten wanted to tell him no, to stop, because he _hated_ breaking down in front of other people. He felt like such a burden.

“What happened?”

The question alone made him remember. And remembering made him feel worse. So he could only cry harder, soaking the front of his dongsaeng’s shirt with his tears. It was a truly unflattering sight to behold. He cried and cried until he felt like he couldn’t cry anymore, until he felt dizzy, and like all that was left was a dull ache in his head and the knowledge that on this night, his entire world had been shattered into a million fucking pieces. Xuxi kept his hands moving on Ten’s back, comforting him even after the worst of his pain subsided.

“I think... I’m better now,” Ten sniffled after a while, his hands still fisted in the fabric of Xuxi’s shirt to keep him close. Even the thought of him putting distance between them made his entire body tense.

“Good. I’m glad. You really had me worried there.”

“‘M sorry.” 

“No, it’s okay. _I’m_ sorry. I mean about, whatever is making you feel this way.”

 _How sweet._ And here Ten was, turning to his dongsaeng for comfort because his hyung, his best friend, his soul mate left him to bear this pain alone. And even worse—he caused Ten to feel this way. It was unforgivable.

Xuxi was young - only nineteen and had debuted just a few months ago. He didn’t know much about anything and he certainly didn’t know what Ten was going through, but it didn’t matter. He saw a bandmate in need and he dropped everything to help. He was so _good_. His heart was made of gold, Ten was sure of it.

He felt his body moving on its own. His hand curled around the back of Xuxi’s head, slipping into his hair and holding him steady as he pressed his lips against his neck.

“Hyung?” the younger breathed, confused.

“Please stay?” Ten begged. He was shaking, and he knew Xuxi wouldn’t say no. How could he?

He seemed conflicted, probably worried about Ten’s current emotional state. Or perhaps he was worried about how his puppy Jungwoo might react if he found out. The thought alone made a weak sense of satisfaction settle in his chest, even if everything else had just fallen apart. 

“...Please,” his hand slipped under the hem of Xuxi’s shirt to rest on his lower back. He traced the path of his spine, up, down.

The younger pulled back just enough to look him in the eye. His big hand cupped his face, thumb wiping the remaining tears from Ten’s cheek. He had a serious look on his face - uncharacteristic of his carefree and easy going personality. It was almost scary the way he stared into Ten’s eyes, reaching deep into his soul, trying to extract the truth.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Xuxi eventually said, offering a gentle smile. Ten’s tired eyes trailed down his bare face, resting on the swell of his bottom lip.

 _Beautiful,_ Ten thought. He had to kiss him.

-

“Ya! What is wrong with you?” Jungwoo slapped Ten’s phone out of his hands. It clattered to the floor.

“You’re lucky I have an android,” Ten glared at him. “Now pick it up.”

“What do you think you’re doing?” the younger ignored him.

Ten wasn’t afraid of Jungwoo. The thought alone was laughable. But if there was ever a moment with him he shouldn’t take lightly, it was this one. His eyes were alight like mini fires, his jaw tight, hands balled into fists at his sides. It was kind of cute, but Ten didn’t dare say it.

“What are you on about this time?”

“Who do you think you are?”

“You really don’t know how to get to the point do you?”

“Here’s the point: keep your filthy, slut hands off of Xuxi.”

“Wow. Bold of you to speak to your _hyung_ that way,” Ten folded his arms across his chest.

“I can’t believe you. Is this really how it’s going to be?” Jungwoo ran a frazzled hand through his hair.

“I didn’t realize my relationship with Xuxi had anything to do with you.” Ten adjusted his glasses. 

“So you admit it! Unbelievable,” the younger laughed, shaking his head in disbelief, “Honestly, is this how you repay me for helping you?”

“Helping me?!” Ten had to laugh, “You don’t really believe that, right?”

“You’re not going to project your anger towards Johnny hyung onto me. I warned you. I didn’t have to, but I did. The least you could do is thank me.”

Ten huffed, “I’m not going to thank you. You enjoyed every moment of that. You were preying on my failure from the beginning.”

“So now _I’m_ being punished for trying to do the right thing? I should have just done nothing and let you find out on your own? Why do you have to be like this? Why do you have to make Xuxi the rebound? Why did you have to get him involved? You are so _manipulative--_ ”

“Wow so _you’re_ going to play the victim? Have you lost your mind?” Ten grabbed his phone from the floor and stood from the couch, forcing the younger to take a step back, “What I do and who I do it with is none of your damn business.”

“Hyung—,” Jungwoo’s voice became small.

“Don’t bother. If you have a problem, take it up with him,” Ten started towards the direction of the hallway.

Jungwoo stood in the center of the living room, looking like he was about to cry.

 _Good_ , Ten thought wickedly.

He stopped in his tracks, a sick thought crossing his mind.

“Weren’t you the one who said never to trust a straight guy?” he said, remembering their first conversation. Jungwoo stared at the floor.

“How is that working out for you now?”

-

Ten decided he wasn’t going to tell anyone what he had seen that night. It was in everyone’s best interest not to mention it. Especially Johnny. Ten didn’t want drama. He really didn’t. He figured if he just kept it to himself, the problem wouldn’t get any bigger. Perhaps in time, it might go away altogether.

“Have you eaten?” Taeyong asked him, no doubt noticing his weakened posture and the dark circles under his eyes.

“No.” Ten admitted. He felt like a child under leader hyung’s gaze.

He had been called downstairs to talk about his relationship with Jungwoo, because of course everyone heard their argument the other day. Of course the Dreamies snitched on him. Of course.

“Ramen?” Taeyong suggested, holding up a pot. Ten turned up his nose, “It’s like, all we have.”

“Fine.” he reluctantly agreed.

“So,” the older started, filling the pot with water and setting it on the stove. He cranked the heat up, “How’s everything going?”

Ten sighed. “Don’t do this, hyung.”

“ _You_ don’t do this. I actually care.”

“I’m fine.” he forced.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, really.”

“But you’re not sleeping. You’re not eating and your fuse is a lot shorter than normal.” Taeyong dropped the noodles into the boiling water.

“What do you want me to say?” he ran a hand over his face.

“Tell me what’s bothering you. Because clearly something is.”

Ten didn’t know what to say. He wanted to tell the truth. Could he be honest? No, bad idea. Taeyong had a responsibility to communicate serious issues to the company and the worst thing that Ten could do in that moment was break down and reveal to the older man what he saw that night.

He wanted to get this shit off his chest, but he didn’t want anyone to know. Not only was it potentially harmful to Johnny and … that woman’s reputation, but it was embarrassing to admit. His boyfriend cheated on him and that would open another round of questions such as _how did you find out? How long was it happening? Is it still?_ Anxiety made Ten’s blood run cold.

“It’s personal.”

“Then how come Jungwoo is involved? I can’t imagine you would confide in him,” Taeyong asked, nonchalant.

“Because he _chose_ to poke his nose in my business,” Ten scoffed. It was simple, really. Kim Jungwoo needed to mind his _own_.

“I see.”

Tayeong placed the bowl in front of Ten, then moved to get him a set of chopsticks.

The older washed his hands, dried them with a kitchen towel and walked around the counter to join him at the table.

“Thank you.” Ten muttered.

“Anytime.” Taeyong smiled, petting his hair.

“…It’s complicated, hyung.”

“I bet. It takes a lot to make you like this.”

Ten swirled his chopsticks through the soup, making the noodles spin. He could feel himself getting choked up already.

“Tennie?” Tae’s voice was heart wrenchingly gentle, coaxing the confession right out of him.

“He’s cheating on me.” he quickly broke.

If it weren’t for the sounds of the other members moving throughout the dorm, talking, and playing games, the room would've been totally silent. Taeyong sighed.

“I’m sorry.” the elder sounded sincere. Ten looked up at him.

“Did you know?”

Taeyong turned his head to look out the window. Ten wasn’t sure when the sun had disappeared, but it was totally dark out now.

“I didn’t.”

“He doesn’t know that I know. Jungwoo told me. But, it’s true. I saw him with- someone else.” he choked out, his chest aching with every word. All at once he felt powerless, “What do I do?”

“Maybe, talk to him?”

“And say what?”

“Whatever you want to. You’re upset. He needs to know that.”

“He already knows. Why else would he be sneaking around behind my back? He doesn’t want me to find out and get my feelings hurt.”

Taeyong shrugs. “You can’t just do nothing, Ten. Honestly, even if it ends badly. You need to tell him how you feel.”

“This isn’t fair. Would he have ever told _me_?”

“I don’t know.”

-

The thing is, Ten totally ignored Taeyong’s advice. In retrospect it was stupid, and self sabotaging, but it was easy. It was always easier to play dumb, to just act like nothing happened and carry on as usual than to face a harsh reality.

Johnny must have been content doing …whatever he was doing on the side. Ten didn’t want to act like that bothered him. What kind of person would he be if he made a big deal out of it? He wasn’t a bitch. He wasn’t going to whine and cry and beg Johnny to stop seeing her. How humiliating would that be? He was obviously going to suck it up, man up and get over it.

Sure, it was painful and heartbreaking to see someone who was, for all intents and purposes, your boyfriend, your best friend, the one you thought was your soulmate, the man you wanted to marry and someday adopt children with, the man you thought valued romantic and sexual fidelity – with his lips attached to someone else. The fact that that someone was Johnny—his sweet, teenage fever–was honestly devastating.

It went against _everything_ Ten thought he knew about him. His entire world was being turned on its head. His perception of Johnny was changing so rapidly, so violently, it made his head spin. Did Ten really know anything about him at all?

But it really seemed like nothing had changed between them. They still hung out, talked, cuddled and fucked like normal. In the following weeks, Ten tried his best not to show what he was really feeling. He didn’t want to hurt Johnny by letting him see that he had hurt him. He didn’t want to fight. He definitely didn’t want to break up. He didn’t want to confront him about it. Because how would that even go?

_‘Hello, cheater. I know what you did. I saw you kiss her that night. So when were you going to tell me about your little side bitch?’_

No. He could be utterly nasty when he wanted to be. He could tear Johnny down with his words, could cut so deep the elder would bleed out. He was the only person who knew Johnny like that–his secrets, his insecurities, his vulnerabilities. He could really fuck up in the heat of the moment and jeopardize an invaluable friendship.

So he made his decision. He wasn’t going to confront Johnny, because what was the point? Like he told Jungwoo, Johnny was an adult. He could make his own decisions. If he wanted to see or fuck other people, that was his prerogative. Who was Ten to encroach upon something that made him happy? He loved Johnny and _wanted_ him to have happiness.

Even at the cost of his own.

That, and he didn’t want the drama. He didn’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation. He _hated_ talking about his feelings. He just wanted to sweep it all under the rug, roll over in bed and forget.

In the months leading up to 2019, he was determined to be the very _best_ for Johnny. He had to be perfect. These sick feelings of inadequacy transformed into self hatred and subservience. He felt like he wasn’t good enough, like he was unattractive, or like his personality was insufferable.

_Johnny wasn’t happy with him. That must have been why he cheated._

Ten told himself the only way they would work is if _he_ changed. If only he stopped caring so much about loyalty, about monogamy, about these outdated and one dimensional ideas of love. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing Johnny and was willing and prepared to do anything to earn back his favor.

Ten’s obsession with Johnny, how Johnny viewed him and what Johnny thought of him, took precedence over everything. So he forced himself to be okay with something he wasn’t. He blamed _himself_ for being cheated on, rather than Johnny for cheating. He let his jealousy and frustration and pained confusion fester and boil into something grotesque.

He messed around with Xuxi, and… others, as if it would somehow directly impact Johnny. It made him feel better, anyway, like he was getting back at him. But doing things like that–cheating, lying, and sleeping around–took him back to a dark place, a place he never thought he would again return. He suddenly didn’t care about using other people, as long as it made him feel better. So what? His lover had done the same to him.

Everything always went back to Johnny. What Johnny did to him was the original sin, the bite out of the forbidden fruit, the root from which all transgressions grew.

Ten didn’t realize it was changing him.

And if he began to notice the shift, that Ten was telling white lies, forcing conversations or becoming more closed off, Johnny didn’t say anything about it. He just watched it happen. He _let_ it happen. He gradually matched his energy. Their relationship began to evolve from an open, vulnerable one to something a bit forced around the edges, a subtle tension hovering in every interaction.

From the beginning to the end, Ten had always tried to stay in control of his thoughts and feelings. But human beings cannot control what they think and feel. And their outward actions will always reflect what is inside.

-

“I never _wanted_ to be an idol. To be honest, I was street-casted for my looks. But I don’t even really understand why. I mean, all of you guys are way better looking than me.”

“You’re joking.” Ten deadpanned. Kunhang took a casual sip of his ice coffee.

“What? What did I say?”

“You don’t think you’re good looking?”

“Haha not really… Hey, shouldn’t we get back to studying?” Kunhang slyly suggested.

“Kunhang.” Ten complained, tugging at the sleeve of his pink hoodie hard enough to make him sway back and forth in his seat.

“Okay, okay… I mean, I guess I can understand why other people find me attractive. I guess!” he tacked on when the older gave him a hard look, “But that doesn’t mean I find _myself_ attractive. By my _own_ standards and whatnot. Ya know?”

It made sense in theory. But Ten could call an excuse when he heard one. He didn’t fall for Kunhang’s fancy words - not for one moment.

“What are your standards? They sound pretty harsh.”

“Oh, I don’t know. Um, it’s hard to explain. For example, uh, I like a person with a nice smile. Someone who’s confident. And being funny is a must. My smile is terrible and I have no confidence. Oh, and did you know I actually dropped out of comedy school for being _unfunny_? Also people who speak English well are like, _elite_ in my eyes.”

Ten shook his head.

“That’s you. You literally just described you. Minus all the talking bad about yourself.”

“Naw. I’m really not confident. And my English is so bad.” he laughed nervously.

“Listen, we’ve heard worse.”

“Oh, for sure.”

“I think you will have more confidence once you debut. Having fans is a _huge_ confidence boost. They literally won’t let you talk bad about yourself.”

“Ooh yeahh so I have a few more months to talk bad about myself.” Kunhang rubbed his hands together maniacally.

Ten snorted, shoving the younger playfully.

“No! Because until then, _I_ won’t let you talk bad about yourself.”

“Aw. You're no fun.” he pouted.

“I’m plenty of fun. You’ll see.”

Kunhang smiled, eyes lingering on the older a brief moment.

“Hey.” Ten murmured as he doodled in an empty space in his Chinese workbook.

“Hm?”

“Can I tell you a secret?” he peeked over.

“Sure,” Kunhang hummed.

“For what it’s worth, I think you’re very attractive.”

“…Really?”

“Really. The first time I saw you, my heart fluttered,” he deadpanned.

Kunhang’s eyes went wide.

Ten just laughed. 


End file.
